Full Circle
I have an identity crisis.
I've been a prolific consumer of philosophy so much that I no longer am
able to categorize this information into something cogent or meaningful in my
life. The act of studying is much easier than the art of practice where all the
nuts and bolts of one's belief system gets worked out. Admittedly, I'm a bit of a Nihilist and am suspicious
of such intoxicating claims of one's purpose or meaning. I find it all to be a bit exhausting and
intellectually futile. Conversely, I do
endorse the concept of a journey or path.
In some sense, this is objective in that it is the sum of your
collective experience and can be measured for such indicators as happiness,
success, or improvement. It's not to say
these indicators aren't a bit arbitrary but are adaptable to one's own
interpretation. So, to put more
concisely, I believe energy invested in the journey is beneficial and energy
invested in the "purpose" or "meaning" behind the journey, in an existential sense, is
purposeless. This is why I run afoul
with religion as its primary reasoning is deductive. How can you deduce knowledge or truth from
something that has no experience or reality in the strictest sense of the
word. Contrarily, inductive reasoning
builds off of what we have experienced, collective or otherwise, and
establishes a foundation from which we can build. Inasmuch, it is in this inductive theory that
we can prescribe ways to live in accordance to our own values. Religion is also absent with respect to
prescribing a way to live in the here and now with the exception of a few ambiguous
and outdated guide posts. From this end,
my views or attitudes regarding the existence of God have not changed in the
most rote sense; however, I'm finding myself less critical with respect to self
empowerment.
The concept of self empowerment is clearly not a new
idea. It began in Greece over two
thousand years ago and evolved into a highly populated isle at Barnes and Noble. The latter is probably why I've openly mocked
the self improvement/empowerment movement of recent. It feels more like a marketing drill than a
place to identify sacred truths. Clearly
this is an extension of my nihilistical disposition. Secretly, however, I've been very attracted
to many of these ideas/concepts related to self transformation for quite some
time. As a young child I would wake
before sunrise to burn a candle in my closet, light some fragrant jasmine, and
chant some affirmation I found in a book at the Austin Public Library. I
suppose I was trying to connect with the Universe to gain purpose or
meaning. Later in my teens I found
myself blowing air into some strange, antiquated instrument all while trying my
best to memorize Hebrew chants from the Old Testament. Nonetheless, as I aged and grasped onto the
foundation of science, I shifted my philosophy to Atheism echoing the writings
of Bertrand Russell. It was at this
intersection that I stopped pursuing knowledge in a personal sense. It was instead shifted to academics. I left behind the mystical musings of my
childhood only to, twenty years later, recognize that both the concept of
Atheism and Religion are much opposite sides of the same coin. While I still don't believe in a God, I refuse
to label myself as an Atheist any longer because it has no real meaning. It tells nothing of who I am, what I do
believe, and entraps my being in yet another deductive paradigm. All that being said, I've realized that real
contentment, self transformation and the like come from looking inward. Most religions, in the Western tradition,
give lip service to this concept but offer no real tools for deep
introspection. So, I thought that left
me with Eastern philosophies for which I have a sophomoric understanding. What I missed though, is the many Greek and
Roman schools of philosophy which
resemble more Eastern traditions but with a little more self righteousness than
their Eastern counterparts. So, having
examined, at least on the surface, the ideological principles of both Stoicism
and Zen, I feel I some tools to begin moving forward again with reshaping my
own philosophy.
Now, back to my identity crisis. Of recent, I've started meditating,
expressing gratitude, and accepting my thoughts for what they are -
thoughts. I have made significant changes
over the past several months. All have
been positive but as I have turned inward, I've taken note of several areas in
my life where I'm simply not living in accordance to my values. This has led to a series of self questioning
leading to an uncomfortable and destabilizing emotional state. The little Nihilist in me questions the existence
and validity of these values in the first place. So, I began a list of those things important
to me and began tracking my time and energy to determine how much of my energy
is being wasted on things flippant to my priorities but necessary to sustain
the life I've built. As I've build a
life intertwined with my many different people, my personal changes appear to segregate
me from both my prior self and those around me.
It is here where I need more advanced tools to help me with my transformation
and to help me find courage to move inward.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to access these tools other than
trolling down the self-section with an angry and often times witty Nihilist on
my shoulder.
